This satirical post is dedicated to Dan the Debunker who seems to think that a post called Atheists Eat Babies! is appropriate.Christians are so impenetrable by sin, that they miss out on the finer points of life. Restrained by an armor of morality, they never experience the finer depravities of life. One such depravity is eating babies.
Babies are tasty, as well as delicious. I know this recipe will never be tried by such righteous Christians, but I submit it to my fellow atheists, so that they can enjoy my unique recipe for eating babies. I know that we usually share these recipes and other trade secrets in the shadows, but since Dan over at Debunking Atheists has already exposed our baby eating predilections, I don't see the harm.
Selecting a baby
Babies are in season year round, but they are most tasty and available around the Christmas season. Not only do families fatten their babies up during this time for you, they also leave them laying around outside in nativity scenes for the taking! Try to avoid the nativity scenes at churches, as the priests have usually called dibs on those.
While you have your Christian neighbor distracted by waging your War on Christmas, take a page out of the homosexual playbook and penetrate the backdoor to nab their baby. Be sure that the baby has already been baptized, as that tenderizes it. If you get it too long after its baptism, though, it will have gone sour with the presence of Christ.
Preparing the baby
There is no preparation needed, as the parents have already stuffed it and tenderized it above. Store it in a dry, warm place until needed. If it makes incessant noise, stuff a few consecrated crackers in its mouth -- just like you would with an apple. Not too many, though, as remember that the presence of Christ in the crackers will sour the baby. The sinful flesh of the innocent baby must not be compromised, or else the taste will also be compromised.
Cooking and devouring the baby
Now that I have shared my secret for the best selection of babies, I'll now share the rest of my recipe. I've met many atheists who like theirs as baby back baby ribs, but I like my babies cooked in a lentil and black bean soup. The beans absorb the sins of the baby along with the spices to deliver quite a blow to the taste buds. Here's what else is needed:
10 cups of holy water (or blessed chicken broth)
1 stalk of celery, diced
1 pound of tomatoes, diced
1.5 cups of white onions
6 cloves of garlic, minced
3 tbsp of chili powder
3 tbsp of cumin
1 tsp of cayenne chili pepper (add more if the baby has allergies for an extra delight)
5 cups of cooked black beans (3 cups raw)
1 cup of lentils, raw
1. Saute the onions, garlic, and celery for 6-10 minutes until the celery is tender. Add in the spices and cook for a few more minutes until fragrant.
2. Add in the beans, holy water, tomatoes, and lentils. Bring to a boil
3. While it is coming to a boil, pile a bunch of copies of the Bible, Qur'an, and The God Delusion in the center of the kitchen. Ignite the pile -- if you don't have a lighter, summon your inner demon.
4. Add the baby into the soup and reduce it to a simmer. Be sure that you add a few more crackers to the baby so that it doesn't wake the neighbors. This wouldn't be the best way to get outed as an atheist.
Cook that for about half an hour. While cooking, dance naked around the fire, and, if you are having dinner for two, fornicate (homosexually, if possible).
Serve your lentil, black bean, and baby soup with a dash of salt. Affirm your allegiance to the evolutionary faith with an invocation of Darwin and a blessing from Saint PZ Myers and prophet Hermant Mehta.
Add a side of Ray Comfort brand bananas and a Coke can that took a few million years to evolve and enjoy.
RAmen.
